Golf Humor

Golfers Need Not Apply

The forty-something business executive and avid golfer was browsing
the personal ads on the internet when he came across an interesting listing.
The listing read as follows...
Slim, attractive, buxom blonde, 5'6" 128 lbs. successful in business, happy in life,
no children (or desire to have them), enjoys traveling, pampering her man
and the finer things in life.
Seeks similar qualities in a partner for long term relationship…GOLFERS NEED NOT APPLY

Improve Your Lie

Finding his opponent in trouble in the deep rough, Paul asked him how many strokes he’d taken to that point. "Let's see… I lie 5 to here," the opponent says.
Feeling generous, Paul suggests, “It’s OK with me if you improve your lie."
"Good idea. I lie three to here," comes the reply.

Figure It Out

Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and
shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. Then, the next day you go
out and for no reason at all you really stink.

Backhander

A putt struck with the back of the putter blade. Sometimes golfers will do this in a casual fashion when the ball is very close to the hole. When they miss a backhander—and it happens often—amateurs often smile and record their score as though they had made the putt. This is known as cheating.

 

Handicap - A couple of buddies decide to play golf together for the first time.
John is an avid golfer and his buddy Tim is new to the game.
On the way to the course, John asks, "By the way, what's your handicap?"
Tim replies, “Gee, I don't know… I guess at this stage of my game I’d have to say it’s probably my lousy swing and my set of clubs.”

Tough Love

John was playing a round of golf with the club pro one day.
After 18 holes they went into the clubhouse where John asked the pro, "What do you think of my game?" The pro, after careful deliberation, replied, "I think you should layoff for a couple of weeks… and then quit!

Tough Putt

Two men walk up to a relatively long par three.
The golfer says to his caddy, "Looks like a 4-wood and a putter."
The caddy hands him the 4-wood and the golfer tops it about five feet in front of him. The caddy immediately hands him his putter and responds, "It looks like you’ve got one hell of a putt left!”

You’re a golfaholic… if

You think that some day you'll shoot your age, when a more
realistic goal would be to shoot your weight!

Or,

You know there's more to life than golf,
but you have no interest in finding out what it is!

Imaginary Golf
Two golfers join up at the first tee and each explains that due to a psychological problem, they play slightly different than most other golfers. They soon learn that they both have the same doctor who has prescribed a game of golf using an imaginary golf ball to reduce stress. They proceed to tee off with their imaginary balls.
After a day of splitting fairways and hitting nothing more than eagles,
birdies and pars, they reach the 18th hole. The first one indicates because they are equal in their score that he should hit first. So he tees off with his imaginary ball. "Look at that, a beautiful shot just on the edge of the green" says the first golfer. The second guy hits his imaginary ball and indicates that it has also landed on the edge next to the other ball. The first guy lines up and drains his 20-footer to the bottom of the cup. He then turns to his opponent and says, "You wouldn't believe it, my ball just rolled into the cup, I win." The second guy responds, "Not so quick my friend. That was my ball that you just knocked in the hole!”

Backswing - The part of the swing that takes place after the ball has been improperly addressed but before it has been sent to the wrong destination.

Finesse Shot - Any non-standard shot used to get a ball out of an awkward or impossible lie by bending, twisting or stretching the rules or by hitting it directly through a loophole.

Bogey train - A series of consecutive bogies. For professional golfers, the bogey train is a one-way ride to a job at a driving range.

When I Die

A wife asked her husband, "When I die, will you quit playing golf?"

The husband replies, "It will take a while to get over it, but eventually I'll probably play again."

She then asks, "If you remarry, will you marry another woman who plays golf?" He replies, "Yes, I probably will."

Again she asks, "Will you give her my clubs?"

The husband replies, "No, she's left-handed."

Bomb - A very long shot, usually a drive. When we try to hit a bomb the result is usually what you’d expect from a “bomb”… a disaster!

Sooner or later

Golfer, about 140 yards from the green, asks his caddy: "Can I get home with a nine iron?"

"Eventually," the caddy replies.

Deuce - A score of two for any hole. Too many of these on your scorecard means you're probably only counting your tee shots.

Keeping Score

The golfer called one of the prospective caddies over and said, "I want a caddy that can count and keep score. What's 3, plus 4, plus 5 come to?"
"11 sir," said the caddy.

"Good, you'll do perfectly."

Analyst - Psychiatric specialist who treats individuals suffering from the delusion that playing golf is a form of pleasure.

Music to My Ears

The man that invented “golf” and said that it was “fun” is the same guy that invented 'bagpipes” and said it was “music.”

Army golf

Phrase used to describe the inconsistent, wayward shots of amateur golfers, that is, "left-right, left-right" (like the drill sergeant's call during an army march).

Equipment - According to the rules of golf, equipment is "anything that can be thrown, broken, kicked, twisted, torn, crushed, shredded or mangled; or propelled, driven or directed, either under its own power or by means of a transfer of momentum, into underbrush, trees or other overgrown terrain; or over the edge of a natural or artificially elevated area; or below the surface of any body of water, whether moving or impounded."

Break - 1.The shifting or changing of the direction of a putt caused by the slope or slant of a green. 2. The splitting or shattering of the shaft of a putter caused by the rage or wrath of a player who misread the break.

Comebacker - A shot that backs up after hitting the green. Or, for a high-handicapper, a tee shot that hits one of the tee markers and ends up behind you.

Chip Shot - A short, low approach shot that gets a player into position to miss several putts.

Etiquette - The rules of behavior in golf. There isn't room here for a complete list, but a few of the more important ones are:

• Never put tees in your nose.
• Never use a tee as a suppository.
• Never sneeze into your glove.
• Never concede a chip shot.
• Never hold a ball for another player to hit.
• Never practice drives against a backboard.
• Never wear your golf shoes to a dance.

Be the ball - Profound golfing advice uttered by Chevy Chase in the movie Caddyshack. Golfing geeks have picked up the expression and often use it during a round… to the great annoyance of their companions.

Golf Attire SHOULD NEVER, EVER …

• Be visible to an individual with normal eyesight looking out the window of a spacecraft in orbit.
• Be made out of a fabric derived from a substance that was mined or refined rather than grown or raised.
• Be capable of jamming radar.
• Require a cumberbund
• Be composed of more than eight separate colors or shades and bear four or more distinct emblems.
• Be shoes that would require repainting or re-stucco work rather than shining.
• Be a hat, identifiable as such only by its position on the wearer's head.

Driving Range -The place where golfers go to rid themselves of all their good shots before playing a round of golf.

Easy Game

Golf is an easy game... it's just hard to play.